the poetry of a fertile mind

So, This journal has served its purpose... but I feel compelled to move to another format.  Come find entries about my 101 in 1001, project 365, and general life at my new blog, Never Blank Space.

Vaccations should be relaxing, and lying by the beach and the pool certainly is. But there is a level on this vaccation that I hadn't anticipated, or told myself wouldn't be a factor. Namely: my life feels like it's starting over the day I get home, but I'm constantly waiting without being able to do a single thing to prepare or put anything into motion.

So rather than relaxing, I'm reading like crazy. Anything I can get my hands on is fair game. I've completed 4 books so far, 3 from the library book sale a couple weeks ago, one from my sister (dear lord, I really did just read Confessions of a Shopaholic...) and now it's whether I pick up Dad's thriller/mystery, mom's fashion/mystery/chicklit, or wait for Kelly to finish the last 30 or so pages of the last book I brought, which I couldn't bring myself to read a couple days ago. Only one book I've read felt worthy of being read, but they pass the time. They keep me from worrying, from getting frustrated, and from thinking about how confused I am about my life. No matter how bad they get, I have something to distract me I guess.

Maybe I'll buy a better one while we're in town playing mini-golf today. Something that'll make me feel a little more fulfilled rather than empty when I'm finished with it. Something that won't remind me as soon as I put it down that I have serious worries that the job I've gotten myself into is going to be worse than the one I had. Something to make me think for a couple more days that I'm on the right path with my life. Or at least that's the goal.

You know how different beds always bring out the weirdest dreams? Well, the last few nights have had dreams that at least somewhat make sense. They've all been about tangible stresses in my life: mostly boys but a few that left a lingering sense of major disaster on the first day of work.

Not so just this last night. I had a very clear dream about being at DisneyLand. That would make sense if it was DisneyWorld, since I'm at least in Florida, but not so my friends... not so. Instead every ride I went on had serious issues. First with Thunder Mountain Railroad (which was Rocky Mountain Railroad in the dream... I think I'm missing the ice cream I left in the freezer back in Seattle), they over packed the train and my train jumped the tracks. We were dangling and heading backwards and all kinds of issues before it stopped and they let us off.

Then we went over to get FastPasses for Space Mountain (yah, another over detailed Adrian dream...) and I noticed that there might not be a line at all. I ran in and walked right onto a car, but it pulled out before my family got there. It went into some other room where they had basically a simulator ride set up. A roof came down on top of the car in which I was the only passanger. Then they explained on the screen that part of the ride was now underwater to simulate weighlessness. We rode through the screen into a wall of water, and immediately I am splashed. The car is rapidly filling with water, and there is no emergency call button. It is up to my waist when I get frustrated and start changing things. In the dream I say, "There is no way Disney wouldn't have an emergency saftey button," and one appears. Then I think to myself, "Well, of course this is a dream!" and decide to wake up.

Weird in all accounts, especially since part of it felt like lucid dreaming. But yes, different beds make for interesting dreams for me.

After six hours of flight time, a lay-over to add another state (Nashville, TN) to the long list of places I’ve passed through without actually going to, and a midnight check-in to a beachside resort, and my family and I are safely on Amelia Island in the north of Florida. The place we’re staying is really nice. The beach is right outside our windows, the beds are super comfortable, and the towels are cushy. Prime chance to relax… if Kelly and Mom would just shut off the movie they found at 1am local time and decided to watch to its end.

This morning we dragged ourselves out of bed at 10:15, pretty early considering that the TV finally shut off at 2:30. Hours of primping time later we were off to the “town” for the shrimp festival. Pirates, art, and fried shrimp awaited us… along with some Florida downpours. Huddled under an umbrella, our heavy application of sun block seemed a little superfluous. The skies cleared up a little, and we wandered the streets looking at some really impressive artwork. After walking the whole fair and taking lots of photos of pirate paraphernalia back to the hotel we went, stopping for liquor, beer, and soda for the fridge (oh, and some other groceries too).

This was when I went mildly insane. A run on the beach sounded so nice all of a sudden, so I went. The wind ran parallel to the beach, coming down from the north and blowing with all its might straight into my face as I ran. (At least I didn’t make the mistake of running away from the wind to start.) I maybe made it a mile on the sand (walking part of the way I must admit) before I had to turn back. With all the humidity in the air and the wind bearing down powerfully, I could hardly breathe. So, we’ll see how the “training” ends up going. I still want to run the 5 mile Beat the Bridge run, but I want to be confident in my ability to finish it as well.

So yes, I’m alive and well in Florida and I’ll be back in time to start the new job. I’m still working on the relaxing aspect of this, so I’ll get back to you all on that front.

So, regardless of whether the illness was really self-inflicted or not, I was actually ill last week. I went running on Friday and could hardly complete the 2 miles I normally run. I made it about a mile and a half when suddenly I was almost unable to walk from nausea and pain. Clearly something was really wrong with me. Although it was nothing that a few hours curled up in bed and on the couch couldn't cure. Now that a lazy weekend is over, I back to my normal, yet still procrastinating, self!

As today is April 30th, I am submitting my poem for the Poetry on the Busses contest--at the last minute, of course. While it may never be published on a bus, I'll put my entry here for you all to peruse at your leisure. It definitely feels good to be actually submitting something for this. After all, up til now, I had not written a real, complete poem for months, if not a full year. So please forgive me if I seem a bit rusty: ( on dreams and smelly flowers )

In other news, leaving work means that you get lots of food evidently. Today was lunch out with the lab, then tomorrow is a potluck which I was going to make another devils food and baileys cake for... but I'll see if I have time for that. Tonight I need to pack for Florida, so that Mom can take my suitcase home for me after bringing Zoe back up to the apartment for my roommates to take care of her while we're all gone. And that has to happen after my last hip hop dance class ends at 8, and I get home around 9.

This week will be slightly crazy, but GREAT. Tomorrow, I go home and get my kitty. Wednesday some kind of celebration will certainly ensue, although I will have to avoid alcohol since on Thursday, I'm getting a massage and haircut. Friday will be heading home to finish packing and prep for the long weeks of relaxation ahead of me.

#1 important thing on my list for the week: Buy sunscreen.

I want to do my best in everything I attempt, but I have less emotional strength than is required for most situations. If you were to wake up completely nautious, would you go to work? What if you knew it was caused by your own mind?

I frustrate myself to no end somedays. I woke up feeling ill, but knowing that I wasn't going to throw up through the course of the day. Since I don't feel compelled to work and definitely don't want to write the paper, I would have to will myself to get out of bed and to go. 7:50 rolls around, time to catch the bus... and every time I throw off the covers and take a deep breath, my saliva runs hot and my stomach clenches. Now it's almost 3pm, and it's pointless to go in since the bussing time will be more than half the amount of time worked. Will I write more of the paper? doubtful. I feel like a waste of space, resources, and thought. I feel like a failure for not being able to do something that I don't want to. I feel like I lack the willpower.

My question is, is the judgment that I am leveling on myself socially based? If my body reacts so clearly to what I want to do, should I listen or do I need to "pull it together" and take a pepto-bismal tablet and go? Probably the latter. Hell, there's only a week left.

So my boss is extremely giving for a scientist. She has allowed me, an undergraduate, to work on my own project and to present my own work at various points (ASCB confrence in San Francisco, Current Works talk for our lab, etc.). She lets me take more than enough credit for what I've done since I got there, and tries to reassure me that my work is above and beyond spectacular. She wants me to be first author on a paper detailing my results.

So why on earth do I not want to write this paper? Being a first author is a big deal, especially so soon after undergrad. It is the equivalent (effort-wise and intelligence-wise) of a master's thesis, or so Diana tells me. But instead of being excited about it, I'm in the dumps of procrastination hell.

Maybe I really don't think it will ever be published, and that my work is for naught. Maybe I realize that science is something I want to make money with and can feel fulfilled doing, but not my innermost passion and drive. Maybe I don't give a shit and simply want to get the heck out of dodge faster than a speeding bullet. Maybe I appreciate the sentiment, but realize that my work is going to garner her thousands of dollars of grant money, and as such, I feel a little used.

Used or not, I'm going to have to go to Top Pot and start on this. At least I'm getting paid to eat donuts and surf the web :P

Once apon a time, long long ago, I had a problem with having my photo taken. For every relatively cheery photo of me, there was another of me scowling into the camera or otherwise trying to ruin the photo. I was a sour, angry child in those days... far different from the bright ray of sunshine I've become. :D

In the process of compiling a memory book for my grandmother's 80th birthday, I've requested my cousins send me photos of themselves and grandma as well as stories and memory pieces. So far, I've received some definite gems, including this one:



Don't I just look like the most loveable 8 year old you ever saw?

Putting together the book is proving much harder than I'd thought, mainly because I'm a perfectionist and not as adept at printing photos as I'd like to be. It's hard to compile things like this sometimes because you don't always get all the pieces you need. Some cousins will have pretty blank pages while others will have overfilled pages, but at least all of them have sent me something. And a lot of the stories are absolutely adorable, if not a little cheesy.

But writing my own piece is a lot harder than I'd expected. I planned to write about christmas, but the more I try, the more I realize that the bitterness I feel towards the holiday is almost completely caused by Grandma. So I started thinking about other things I could write about, but all I come up with is bitterness. All the photos I glared in, all the tricks I pulled, all the fits and fights, all the pinata disasters... they all go back to being bitter. It surprised me last night that all my cousins had such great things to say, while I'm having a hard time not sounding mean.

This glaring little girl needs to stop trying to melt the film in the camera and find the joy in all the pain, or at least the irony.

Since my life suddenly seems worth reporting on again, I shall grace all of your eager eyes with choice tidbits about my exciting life. Not that I will keep this up, but it seems a waste to have this journal and never use it.

The first order of business most of you know about. I have a real life J-O-B lined up at the Hutch (Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center or FHCRC for those not in the Seattle biotech know) working at a HVTN (HIV Vaccine Trials Network) lab basically acertaining whether the subject has acheived any immunological response to their recieved vaccine. In super simple language: I get to be the one figuring out whether a potential HIV vaccine actually gave the test subject any immunity to HIV-1. Evidently in the last year or so, real positive results have started coming in suggesting that these things may actually be working! In theory, I think the data that I will be working to get could potentially be used in FDA approval of a vaccine.

Can we say, "ari's gonna save the world?" Well, not yet, but I can hardly contain the fact that I am working on something this important, even if it ends up being a bit repetative. Get back to me in six months, I may be retracting all of this excitement.

But not quite yet cuz.... cue drumroll... I'm going to Florida! I worked it so that I resign on May 2nd and start work on May 16th, allowing me time to sneak along on one more family vacation. Sunless tanning lotion has become my best friend along with SPF 30,000 sprays. Unfortunately, the vacation is during the two weeks before a 5 mile race I want to run, so unless I pack my running stuff I'm going to be pretty out of shape. They must have places to run down there... in all the muggy glory that is Florida.

What else has happened in the last few weeks... Oh. I wrote a poem for the poetry on busses contest, thus regaining my status as poet. I took a weekend trip to Portland with Vinh, the first trip I've taken within the country without my parents or anyone to visit. I went to LaConner and the tulip fields with some of my friends and acted like a total dork (see me leaping around and losing my shoe at my friends' photo sites). Then there's the coming weekend, with 3 party invites on Friday night (although the only one I'm making it to is my roommate's birthday party, which I'm co-hosting) and my grandmother's 80th party on Saturday, which I'm making a gift for and probably helping to cook for. And... Yah. That's about it.

So in the whirlwind of everything else, there's not much on the boy front anymore... After the disaster of dates that was pirahna boy, creepy 37-year old musician dude, and a few random crushes, I've settled back into my non-settling mindset. Good news is, new job means more people to meet. Better news is, new job is directly above a really good bakery where I've heard a few batts of the eyelashes can get you free bread and coffee. Good thing my lashes are long, cuz I'm a bread-a-holic! ;)

So you are now caught up on my day-to-day life. Much less whining to be had from me lately, although no one ever gives up all their rants. Writing in here feels weird for some reason... but I'm sure that will wear off over time. Here's to me actually having something to say!

I've been wary making a decree of this nature, simply because going so far inevitably endangers collapse. Some days I wake up afraid to breathe, for fear that the subtlest breeze will bring the darkness back crashing down. Other days I wake up to my alarm and the faint glow of a greying dawn, creeping it's way back in time towards the days of summer one minute at a time, and sigh contentedly that the darkness is banishing itself. But it's all there, and I feel like whispering it...

I'm happy.

I danced in the rain last night, I was so happy. I want to go running again and to feel my body moving and carrying itself in strength. I keep feeling like bursting out into song, and have... although only in the back corners of the tissue culture room, with strong insulation between me and everyone else. I crave healthy food again. I drink wine like it's an elixir of laughter, not a gateway to tears. Inside my head, I'm screaming in disbelief... in gratitude... in pure joy. I know that there will be another physically challenging and emotionally crushing week in a short while and I know that I will be pushed back into the depths for a short while... but in this week, with all it's craziness and stress, I can say it... I am happy.

I AM HAPPY.

dear lord... this is seattle.

won't it just RAIN already? a week of snow is just making me hate snow and be beyond lazy.

Once again the snow falls. Thursday morning I woke to unruly bus schedules and roommates eager to blow off work and simply take pictures of our crystaline neighborhood. So I called in snowbound and went romping down slippery sidewalks and to a park with slides and swings, camera in hand, before finishing the morning at top pot, grazing on donuts. Today, I'm making up for the work that couldn't be done Thursday. Biology can be frustrating, as you wait for things to grow, but that simple fact gives me a chance to wander around downtown, run errands, eat french bread and Pike Place apples, and enjoy the odd trigonometry of our new library. I only wish the sculpture garden was open, but that's next weekend. The snow returned today, in tiny flakes and flurries; grey clouds replaced the bluest skies Seattle dreams of. Cozy fleece and flannel, long johns and wool socks keep the bitter cold out and the weekend bliss in.

There is nothing worse than job hunting. Okay, so maybe it's not the worst thing in the world, but getting started on it is pretty horrible. First there's making up the resume that will represent you, only you're not completely sure what kind of format, information, or range of time is necessary for the job you want. How do you present your best self in a page? Then there's finding the jobs that you are actually qualified for. Are the right positions available at the moment you want to start applying? What companies do you look at and what departments? What is the job you are looking for actually called at each company you could apply to? If you get through all that and actually send in a resume and cover letter, how do you actually stand out enough to get an interview? What do you wear to said interview, if you are in fact lucky enough to snag one? What do you say? What if you come off looking like a total idiot because you are so terrified to be in a room being grilled by 4 people?

How the hell am I supposed to get a job when this is all I can think about? It won't be as hard as all that, especially with my qualifications. The only major question is whether or not the positions are available right now, which, after fervent checking of the Amgen and a few other websites, I'm not so sure of... I just feel like I have to get the job yesterday... Like I'm late in preparing and even later in getting on the ball. Hell if my cousin can have a job lined up when he graduates in May, why am I not on this more? (Oh yah, because my mother is actually sane and believes I can do this on my own, which I can, without immense amounts of pressure.) I know people like to support me and ask me what I'm doing, or where I'm going with my life, but sometimes they just say the wrong thing. I like hearing things like, "You're already trying to find a job!" rather than, "Oh, you haven't got a job lined up yet?" But everyone likes to hear stuff like that...

I know I need to get financially secure, and fast. I need insurance. I want the security of knowing what bus route I'm going to take and where or if I need a new apartment. But the good news is that I am technically financially independant. It's not a good cushion that I have, but there is still money in the black and NONE in the red (thank god for washington scholars, and mom and dad :)). So there is hope that even if it takes a while, I'll be pretty much good to go. Or so I hope.

Another year has turned and it's time for everyone to make ridiculous resolutions that hang on for a week, or perhaps a couple months, and then peeter out as will fades and life runs it's course. Usually for me, New Years is not really a new beginning. Mostly, it causes frustration as I try to remember to write the correct date on a rent check identical to the month before, on an assignment for a class in a series I'd already started, or on a journal that's already half full. Excuse me for my pessimism, but New Years usually falls in the middle of something else that is happening in life and is rarely a truly fresh start.

This year is different. There is no more acedemic year for me, there is no steady job that I return to after the holiday reprieve, there isn't even a solid bank statement, or old unfinished journal to return to. No, this year is a big huge BLANK. The only thing steady is where I live, although I feel even that has changed after being at my parent's for over a week. There are only questions, opportunities, and fears.

So now, as things move into flux and I question my ability to keep my head afloat, I have a whole new year to really start fresh. I celebrated New Years by winning U-Dub-opoly with my monopoly on Suzzalo and Denny Hall (the Broadway and Park Place of campus evidently) continuing the ages old tradition of finishing the time passing game just in time to rush out and see the fireworks. The next day, I went to work in an entirely empty laboratory and exchanged some presents and gift cards in a surprisingly empty downtown.

But even though things were looking up, last night it all crashed down. I got 5 hours of sleep due to the constant passing of worries through my brain. I tried to be Zen about it, letting each one pass as if on a conveyor belt. Problem. I felt like Lucille Ball at the candy shop, unable to stop the flow of worries as they furiously shot through my mind, piling up and becoming internalized. So now, here I am, anxious about being anxious again, depressed by embarassment, and simply wanting to evaporate and be away from people in general. At least I got out of bed this morning. That in and of itself is an improvement over last week. So maybe this year can be better. Maybe?

je suis un peu heureuse parce qu'il a neigé à seattle!!

Phew. I'm beyond exhausted, but I'm home. Too many stories to tell... I'll get to it sometime when i recover from getting only 8 hours of sleep out of 48 hours...

It's so hot... i've got lots packed, but i still have so much to do including printing all my stuff that I'll need for finding the hotel in jesolo etc... and I'm beyond exhausted already.

My throat doesn't hurt anylonger, but my body simply feels weak. This is another one of those times when traveling alone absolutely sucks. If I had someone else to help me pack and get things done... it'd be much easier. As it stands... I don't know. I'm sure it'll be fine, just tiring. I'll probably sleep like a rock on the train simply because I'll be so exhuasted. or so i hope...

Well, at least there are a few things i can cross off my crazy list of what i am doing over the next few days. Working is done, and I accomplished very little according to my end report. My results were pathetically inconclusive but I did make a whole lot of plasmids... woo! Alissa and I had a good weekend, as she put it, "hanging out in Paris." We did go to a museum, and walk around all the major sites, but overall, it was more like just seeing a friend/cousin. That's what I liked about this whole thing. Paris is now a city that I'm very familiar with, and can just hang out in.

I bought some brown shoes that are both good for my feet and popluar around paris, and SHOULD fit right in in seattle... but I'm realizing that all the things I love about Paris won't be the same back home. Yah, there's a ton that I miss about seattle, but not the fact that I can't get to a bakery easily every day, or that I can't get amazing produce except once a week at a farmer's market... and I won't know what to do with my newfound fashion sense (kelly you wouldn't believe how in style I can be now, well, if i go buy a couple more things...).

All in all, I love who I am much of the time here, including my now=valuable alone time. I'm sad that I won't see Rita more after I leave, but I'm tempted to mail her a pink pass to get over to seattle, and to try to manage a trip to South Carolina somehow... I haven't seen Sophie for a while, but not for lack of wanting to, just for a lack of time and a cell phone to contact people when I suddenly find myself in some random part of the city with time... but she'll be coming to seattle soon enough, and if she has time it would be fun to get together. Maybe I can even practice my french with her again ;)

All in all, paris has been great and Italy will be fun (although really HOT fun). London will be a blast with Maria and everything will be GREAT back in seattle. I must start the packing odessy though, wish me luck and have a fabulous 2 weeks if i cannot find any internet.

i'll update more later, but basically, alissa is here, and we've been having a good time seeing a lot of Paris. Yesterday, we just narrowly avoided a rainstorm in Montemarte in fact. But right now... things aren't looking up.

I have a very sore throat.

I think its time to go buy a lot of oranges?

3 months doesn't amount to much when it comes to science... especially when cloning doesn't actually get to look like real results until you use what took you 2-3 weeks to make in an experiment of it's own...  So my 3-4 pages (including graphs) feel a little piddly.

... but hey, i can actually speak in french when it comes down to it ...

I asked how to say "where is the bus" in italian today, but I asked in french... *boom*brain*boom*